Gabbie thinks that writing in my livejournal again will be a good way to get me writing more, and she's probably right. I've never written more than when I was writing in greatestjournal, livejournal, or my MySpace blog. So I can try to write a little bit here everyday and see whatever comes out.
Yes, I am aware that I have tried this before. No reason to start again. I can be like William Burroughs in Junky. (Or is it an "ie in his title? I can never remember.) In any case, the point is that there's no reason not to. Plus, I made a new default icon and uploaded two other ones Gabbie made me to make it official.
Today was fun. Woke up with Gabbie (fuck yes, so much better than coffee) layed around for an hour or so, then off to Red Oak to finish our Christmas shopping. McDonalds. Small fight. I should not take things so personally. And I should talk to Matt soon as I get back.
Matt, Matt, Matt.
What the fuck am I going to do with that kid.
It's okay for him to be fucked up right now. Because he is really
fucked up. But it's not okay for him to take it out on everyone else. Which is what he's doing. And he needs to learn when to fucking quit with the stupid jokes, because 3/4 of them end up being flat-out disrespectful. He's essentially throwing a giant temper tantrum, has been...ever since Madi broke up with him. I've talked with him before, but I should be more assertive still, and so should everyone else. Because it's not okay for him to throw temper tantrums at this age.
You fucked up with Steve, you fucked with Lindsey.
Get over it.
Good to get that off my chest. I think I've been thinking about that a lot lately...so I shouldn't let that interfere with Gabbie and I. I think that's probably why I got overly defensive earlier at McDonalds.
I need to quit being overly defensive.
I'm not in much of a writing mood right now. I'm completely content. I love Gabbie, and I love having her here. I'm settling in.
The future is a little bit scary still. Why? I don't know what the fuck I want to do. Do I really want to go through all this stuff to get into grad school to become a professor? I don't know.
I know I want to be with Gabbie, and I want to play music and I want to write. I think I just need to calm down, relax. Which is what I've been doing. Just...being her with the family, with Gabbie.
Gabbie is becoming part of the family, and I love it. Slowly but surely, we're settling in here. I wish she could stay longer.
Either way, once I I know what I'm doing when I finish at Hamline, Gabbie and I can figure out what we'll do, and that's what I want.
Let's think about options here.
Grad school is a yes. I can keep studying, keep figuring out my writing, and figuring out where I want to take it.
Teaching? After grad school. But why not? I don't know for sure, I've never really tried it, but I really think I could be a really good teacher. I could work on writing, share that with students, share teaching them about literature, revolution, how fucked up it all is.
Okay, so realistically...that's overly idealistic. But it's not totally far fetched. I want to help people see how fucked up our humanity is. Or, I guess, American Society. Teaching at the very least would be a way to do that.
Community college seems semi-cool. Lower key than university, still more mature than high school. What are the requirements like to teach community college?
Grad school where? Well...I'll start figuring that out over the next year or so.
As I see it, the first places to check out are: U of Iowa, the Writer's Workshop. FSU...anywhere else in Florida? Look into it. Hamline. U of M. Otherwise, research Grad School programs for Creative Writing.
With the band, see what happens as I go along. Don't matter in comparison.
I fucking love Gabbie, and I want to be with her. I never get tired of her. There's something about her that constantly excites me.
Love is weird. It's hard and crazy and confusing too. But it's wonderful.
I love Gabbie.
So over the next few weeks Imma try and write in this every day. And Imma keep spending time with Gabbie, because it makes me happier than any Goddamn thing in the world. Imma keep playing guitar because I wanna get better. I wanna get back my speed and work on getting a punk band together again. Imma do some reading, especially for my study with Jermaine. I love researching African American Literature.
More to come. This feels like a beginning.
Thank you so much to Gabbie for getting me writing again.
You don't realize how much that means to me. I love you.